I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
