Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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