just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
