You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
