If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
