Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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