Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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