BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
