Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
