While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I could make wine with my vomit
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
