he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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