What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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