OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
tell your sister to shave her snatch
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
