I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
And then he peed in my hair
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