Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
