Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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