i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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