If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
