Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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