his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
