after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize