When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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