Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
