I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
