I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize