Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
