The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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