Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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