Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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