Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
