if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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