I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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