TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize