u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
