glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
