so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
