I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
