I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
