Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize