So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
