I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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