Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
