i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
