ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
