He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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