fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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