The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
