First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
