allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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