My sheets look like a crime scene.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He better not be in your backpack
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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