I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
