i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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