I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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