i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize