i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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