dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
