God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
