you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
