i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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