When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
