Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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