They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
