you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
ttyl tear gas
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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